“How like the days of a month are the episodes of our lives? … Only shadows of our poetic activities are the thoughts expressed through the medium of prose … But despite all the literature of the Two Worlds, living life bravely and without fear is the most important thing”

– from ‘Poetry-making and Living’ by Professor Jelena Pekar.

 

“The secrets of reality are revealed through play.”

– from ‘Surprised by Truth’ by Oblātuscaelīs Hunveraht.

 

 

Before beginning on this twisting trail, I need to say that every word in this report comes straight from the mouth of the patient himself, the troubled youth who was using the name Daud Pekar when he arrived at the Clinic, but who chose to adopt the alternative name David Baxter from then on. But having said that, perhaps it would be better to say that he was our ‘foremost resident,’ or the ‘main character’ in this drama. Apart from his own words, there is no other way to know what was the background to the events that are reported here, because the other characters either refuse, or are unable, to testify [*].

 

So, the character named Daud was born and brought up in the Old Eastern Kingdom, which has become the Independent Eastern Commonwealth now. Ivan, Daud’s father, was a dealer in recreational drugs throughout the continent; and indeed he was a violent, rash man, without a gracious bone in his body. When he was not transporting or selling the substances, he would be imbibing enormous quantities of them. Whatever his motives were, he fashioned a complex system of rituals, based on beliefs he found in Old Books of Lore from the four corners of the world, which he would steal, and sell on the black market. Seven years old was a pivotal time to Daud, when the Beloved Leader came to power in the Old Eastern Kingdom. With war on the horizon, Ivan came to believe that human sacrifice would be a way to become immortal. But since he was so befuddled while performing the appropriate ceremony, he transferred all his magical lives to his son. 

 

Ivan became a soldier-of-fortune in the Heart of the Continent when the war began there, and he was known as ‘Jak Mali Vrag’ (‘Strong Little Demon’). The young Daud was compelled, on occasions, to be a witness to atrocities by his Father, when children from families who followed the teachings of the Seeress were bound in sacks (or often, in quilt covers), before being beaten or stabbed both by members of the World-Wide Church and the Independent Church. On occasions, the boy had to get rid of the bloody instruments, and, terrible to say, even the corpses. Throughout the remainder of his short life, Daud would suffer from terrible nightmares as a result of these events. Let us not forget, on the other hand, of course, that the Followers of the Seeress also executed atrocities in their turn. They would place children of Church members wearing old-fashioned nightgowns so that they looked like penitents, in a trebuchet, and throw them through the air to their destruction. 

 

Daud blamed himself for the death of his Mother (who was working as a nurse), after the start of the war in the Old Eastern Kingdom. Serious problems had occurred when he was born and his Mother was very ill for the remainder of her life. Daud believed that some Divinity had turned his back on him (we have not been able to discern up to now which one he was talking about at the time). So, he developed a hated towards religion, although he yet feared sin and retribution, and continued to wet the bed; because of this he was punished relentlessly by his Father. Despite everything that would happen from then on, the son maintained that he respected the father, whilst hating him simultaneously, as he was a ‘freedom-fighter’, who was trying to improve the Eyrth (or the part of it in the vicinity of the Heart of the Continent at least) through the help of otherworldly forces. And according to the tale, Daud learned considerable secrets by watching his Father.

 

After the demise of his Mother, Daud was looked after by his sister, Jelena, a name, of course, which means ‘female pine’ (or ‘doe’) in their mother-tongue. No-one around him would have said that he was ‘totally normal’; and to confess the truth, they would have said he was a ‘bit of a lad,’ and it was only too obvious to me (even without my extensive specialist knowledge), that he had social problems of some kind. And then – disaster following hard on the heels of misfortune – he received in the wake of all the other horrors, intensive counselling from his uncle, a despicable cowled monk in the vile sect called the Assembly of Rancorous and Supercilious Exorcists, who tried to sexually abuse him. 

 

Due to his history, Daud disavowed violence, and became a ‘pacifist fighter’ when he was 13, rather than following in his Father’s footsteps, trying to save lives every time he could. He secured, in his opinion, many successes through the help of ritual magic based on Ivan’s practices, which would summon strange beings to materialize – entities, however, which would seek very costly recompense in the end. 

 

At that time, there was a foreign lad named Stjepan Velikičovjek (‘Steffan Grossmann’), from the Faithful Western Principality, who was a member of the World-Wide Church, living in poverty near Daud’s family. He wanted to kill himself as a result of personal problems, more than likely, and he was also bullied awfully by Ivan and the other soldiers. During the Battle of the Pine-Grove, Daud snatched Stjepan from the jaws of death (namely a ‘river of fire’ of proportions one would read about in the Old Book), and the two went on to be best friends, and have many more adventures together. 

 

On the eve of Daud’s 17th birthday, his Father was killed, after a booby-trap that had been placed under his van exploded outside the Blue House Tower in the Neutral Southern Commonwealth. Although the son, who was there at the time only at the insistence of the older man, survived the explosion, he was seriously injured. From then on, he would experience rapturous visions because of the pain medication he was taking.

 

Daud had come to the conclusion that Aberdydd, that town overseas that had been founded by the Northishfolk centuries ago, was home to his true relatives. He had read a very great deal about our history, culture, language, customs, and so on, deciding that it would be an exceptionally interesting place to live (as well as one that would enhance his creativity and celebrate his many unique eccentricities).

 

He told me in one of our professional and cordial but intense and highly productive self-revelation sessions that he was drawn to Pretany initially after hearing a bootlegged recording of Leskov's Fraternal Farewell, apparently broadcast by the brave rebels (or villainous terrorists) of the KKKK [**]. (I secretly harbour strong suspicions that my crafty brother Jack the 'Old Soldier' was involved in all this somehow.) Oh, Daud was always so surprisingly complex due to his conflicted nature! His jokes were sad and his laments humorous, and one never knew what to believe when chatting to him, as if the lad were one of the Seven Slick Serpents of Serendipity.

 

In any case, the orphan Daud came to Kimbria as a refugee, and made his way to Aberdydd under the pseudonym 'David Baxter,' drawn, so he said, by some peculiar but exceedingly insistent 'voice from beyond' (as he described it). It was Jack once again who organized this, more likely than not, under a cover of complete secrecy, in a cloak-and-dagger story involving magical rituals and human sacrifice, if one were to believe David's descriptions. For, although he was no expert Wizard, Jack was indeed a master of accursed technology and telecommunications, a renowned druggist, and an expert in clandestine persuasion. The young rapscallion worked his passage as a cabin-boy on board the steam-powered pleasure yacht the “Wayldayduhl Isheth,”  belonging to the depraved Drouggi Cult, it would seem. This vessel was wrecked on its return journey by a waterspout that arose in the midst of an otherwise calm sea with the loss of all hands. Seventeen was a number both fortunate and unfortunate for our hero Daud (or David), therefore.

 

Despite all that, he was a boy genius. Before leaving his home, his chief pleasure would be hiding in the bedroom listening to sound-transceiver programmes from our National Independent Broadcasting Agency to learn our archaic tongue. He explained that he felt it has an ancient yet contemporary flavour, which allows fluent speakers to grasp some magical power to do with surviving annihilation and resurrecting the dead – feats which happen often in the old tales, and in his favourite graphic novels too. 

 

As I have already explained, Daud doted on everything concerning Aberdydd, wolfing down information before arriving, and after. That is why there are so many references to the Hall of the Images (‘Aberdydd Hall’) in the chapters which will follow. He would claim that the tower of Aberdydd Hall reminded him of that of the Blue House of old renown in the Neutral Southern Commonwealth. Indeed, having established himself here, he could not stop himself from visiting this sacred place (in his opinion at least). Of course, he thought that the Hall of the Murals here in the mansion is only a pale imitation of the real one, expressing his opinion in choice language every time he would come to meet with me. And why is this? Because the pictures on the walls of the Hall in the town are more like cartoons in some particular comic book, than ours! 

 

This is how the story develops. It is essential to remember, however, that all these notes are but a faded memory of fragments of the true tale {Leafy Lament}. Note, also, if you please, that the perspective of the narrative has changed now. Henceforth, we shall see events of the past in the Heart of the Continent, narrated from the point of view of a character called David Baxter who has just arrived at the Clinic here in Aberdydd, and is looking back over scenes from his former life. And, needless to say, David’s brand-new acquaintances, namely Steffan, Helen, and so on, and their stories, their hopes, their worries, and their desires, the whole situation that is, will influence his memories – and how he behaves – from now on — D.B.P.

 

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

 

[*] No-one has been able to ascertain the exact details of his life as far as I know, more's the pity, despite all the speculation (and lies!). I can confirm that he arrived in Aberdydd as a youth of about 17 and departed (should we say) at the close of the old century (or the start of the new millennium), a man of 21 years more or less.  — P.M.

 

[**] I have worked like the proverbial Rwm bel-Shoní conjuring up riches (laced with bitterness, spite, and hate) on his spinning-wheel (or “Horror-scope”) to find a transcript of this address. I feared for a long time that I would fail, until I came across a copy by accident in the scriptorium of tó-Historikón of the Histrionic Heralds, whilst ferreting around for the answers to sundry other mysteries. And here it is, verbatim. The longwinded title was scrawled childishly at the top of the first page of printed copy in green ink with what looks like an old-fashioned fountain-pen. Each page was stamped with the monogram “KKKK.” (Something to do with the new-fangled – at the time – “Magnificent Monarchy,” I shouldn’t wonder. Kyning a Kwén; Kalkevork a Kolúosmē – and all that old malarkey). You are most welcome to make of it what you will (personally, I would never in a million years be willing to express an opinion on its contents). — P.M.

 

 

 

“Defenestration Discourse by the Dishonoured Leskov Börslavr Pfpfelyuk jon-Stanlíy, Killer of Beasts, Deliverer of Damsels, Terror of Transgressors, Foundation Stone of Society, Fount of Culture, and Liberator of Lands at Home and Abroad, to the handful of fawners, toadies, parasites, flatterers, spongers and sycophants hoping for scraps from the table of their old master the former Chief Minister and late Father of the Nation, as the charming prince (or pantomime villain) suffers his political death-pangs.”

 

“Well, there we are, friends, and there it is! What devil decided I’d have to leave the most tasteful bunker in the World so early in the morning, I wonder? What a shameful humiliation like everything else round here, making me suffer so much at the hands of scoundrels, cowards, and traitors as usual! Let me explain to you for the last and final time why this situation is so bally unfair! To think that the whole dastardly debacle was orchestrated by the abominable imperialistic Political and Economic Union of the Northern Continent, with the help and support of my one-time closest ally, Cumin Keen-eye, whom I believed could always be trusted. Well, we’ll see about that! After all, the fool follows public opinion and prattles, whilst the wise man keeps his council, listens, and doesn’t let on all he knows. ‘Pride leads to destruction, and an inflated ego will cause downfall,’ says the Carmine Cardinal, and how right is that puffed-up putrid pomegranate about that at least. It’s the misplaced overconfidence, the beatific lies, and the diabolical cunning of this twisted creature that have caused Pretany to fall without a doubt, and he has dragged me with him! May Zrênthí Vêydjrow grab ‘im!

 

“After all, it is I who have, all alone, and without a single word of thanks, ushered in a new age, causing sudden seismic changes in the Government of the United Zones of Pretany the Great’s priorities and modes of operation. I have brought mercy to those suffering, drugs to the injured, information about keeping warm to freezing people, perseverance to individuals at the end of their tether, control to the prodigal, leisure to those overburdened with work, workhouses for the destitute, freedom to the oppressed, discipline to the lazy, punishment to the guilty, weapons and victory to the freedom fighters, and oppression to our enemies wherever they may be.

 

“It is I who have legislated to reinvigorate communities, license deregulated urban areas and accredit self-regulating ports ('rotten boroughs' and 'pirate havens' according to the doomsters and gloomsters). I myself have promoted and supported free-enterprise and sharing of prosperity amongst those who deserve it, improved workplace skills and levelled-up everywhere, and brought business to our cities, investment to the towns, employment to all no matter how demeaning the job appears to be to them, additional profit to the money-makers and the promise of a better wage for the impecunious, the hope of a glittering future for all, and the dream of prosperity and bliss for the entire land.

 

“I have massively increased (as far as that is practicable at least) spending on public services, on infrastructure like buildings, roads, pavements, automatic suspended railways, zip-wires with booster-rockets, and inflatable bouncers for every household, on technology, biological fuels, millions of wind-blades, the stupendous international electronic communication network, and miraculous televisual screens for every family. And now there are many more spiritual healers in the homes of alleviation, moralistic instructors for the young in our centres of discipline, and keen officers, conscripts and volunteers in the Patriotic People’s Militia.

 

“It is I who have introduced policies including garbage upcycling to build and upgrade homesteads; and endorsed and encouraged cyclic refossilization, regenerative cross-fertilization, extraction and exploitation of natural environmental fuel-stock, and creative cadaver reutilization. I am very pleased to hear that an extensive number of the most desperate tribes have returned to the teaching of the Old Books and begun to sell several of their countless children as indentured labourers to the noble families that sorely need servants. And now it is totally possible for those close to starvation and freezing to turn the mortal remains of their grandparents into a source of warmth and food if they do not mind whether the essence of their elders goes straight to the Bottomless Pit for eternity as a result.

 

“I have ordered that the absurd Plebeian Council be abolished together with the shameful titles ‘Elevated Lord’ and ‘Incomprehensible Lady.’ The most important functions of this will be replaced by a new august body called the Paramount Consistory Tribunal, about which I shall soon speak. However, the Glorious Lottery shall continue, with much better prizes: bigger sums of cash, a year’s supply of food and drink for the whole family, the chance to get health treatment from the best spiritual healers, and the option to have central heating, running water and an internal toilet even in the meanest hovel. Every winner will have to attend (completely free) the brand-new and exceptionally worthwhile courses in personal discipline, principles of public service, escaping the misuse of intoxicating drugs, effective self-treatment for deadly diseases, essential financial propriety, cooking with nothing but stale bread and water, sexual continence and family planning, working like crazy before sleeping like a log: balancing pain and pleasure, looking on the bright side as things could be much worse, and building a brighter future together for every member of our inclusive society.

 

“I have overseen the singing of praises for those who deserve it, elevated them, and organized special parties for them; and destroyed those who have desired to hold back the progress of our proud nation before celebrating their fall. I have woven together change and stability, secrecy and openness, whilst discharging my sacred duties, using a light touch when called for, and acting decisively if necessary. I have worked according to my own lights, and kept every one of my promises (in my own opinion, everything considered), and delivered on issues that had previously remained unaddressed clearly and authoritatively, so that Pretany the Great will go forward to dominate the World again, without being under the heel of the repugnant forces of the Continent, and under the patronage of the one, whole, and entire Cosmic Power. To this end, I have increased the number of our under-cover diplomats, our mentalist ambassadors, our informal informers, our anti-heresy forces, and our armed vicars with their violent mongrel apes, in order to control the populace, decrease law-breaking and immoral and antisocial behaviour, weed out rebels, and enforce obedience, hapiness, and peace.

 

“I truly believed that thanks to my successes, my incomparable mind, my irrepressible character, my countless talents, my devilishly fruitful loins, and my incontestable accomplishments, this would be a job for life, but how completely wrong I was. This was not a job of work of any description, I’ve discovered to my great disappointment, but some kind of extremely cruel relay-race, where one’s bosom buddies change the rules half-way through. And then one has to pass on the baton, the torch, the staff of office, the sceptre, the crozier, losing one’s wage, status, contacts, influence and power, before being kicked out of one’s home so precipitously that one feels one’s almost dying.

 

“And that’s why I have been so terribly hurt by the fact that my peers in the highest ranks of the Purple Paternalistic Party (to the Bottomless Pit with the lot of ‘em!) have ambushed me as I slept after a big birthday-party (as it were). The Head of the Office of the Special Representative of the Spokesperson-General for Miscellaneous Matters brought the cakes, the special booze, the dancing-girls, and the Seven Strolling Players to the war bunker under the Gorgeous Dwelling. It was not my fault, then, that all this fun-and-frolics occurred at the zenith of the worst public health emergency in the history of Pretany the Great. And then the Director of Embassies in Foreign Lands tied my hands behind my back and kicked the ladder from under my feet (in a metaphorical manner of speaking).

 

"The Manager of National Revenue and Lord of the Sacred Seal announced the accusations. He cited 'plundering the public purse,' 'horrific administrative irregularities,' 'recklessly endangering national security,' 'authorizing the release of a deadly infectious disease,' 'mass murder on a grand scale,' 'blatant abuse of power,' 'gross negligence to the point of madness in public office,' 'intentional deception regarding the meaning and truth of words and actions,' and 'miscellaneous crimes, misconducts and deficiencies, too numerous to enumerate' (amongst a welter of other irrelevant and scurrilous things). Distortions of the truth! Wilful misunderstanding! Palpable falsehood! Barefaced lies! Unlawful slander!

 

“The Arch-guardian of Public Behaviour prosecuted me and found me guilty. You should remember here the terrifying tale from Illuría, that most vexatious land in the Heart of the Northern Continent. Thrice Dhvâno tried to kill den-Dhêrah the Foster-mother, and thrice she survived and came back to life. Thrice was Dhvâno punished and humiliated by den-Dhêrah, and thrice he endured and grew in vigour. But I am not Dhvâno, nor den-Dhêrah either, more’s the pity. And in the end, exhausted and dispirited, I had to desist from fighting against such despicable internal enemies.

 

“Finally, the Most Respectful Secretary to the Council dismissed me and got rid of me, in the most ignominious way, breaking my staff of office, trampling on my golden badge of honour, and shredding the four-coloured sash of the United Territories of Pretany the Great. And all of that in front of every one of the People’s Representatives, including even those at death’s door, in a Plenary Session of the House of the Undisputed Government never before seen, and never to be witnessed again in days to come either, in all probability.

 

“Well, as you know only too well, after a very painful year without government (apart from the stern oversight of the Star Chamber of course), filled with campaigning, canvassing, hustings, promising the All-World, stabbing each other in the back, drowning in rivers of tears and blood, the fistful of members in the Sublime Executive Assembly of the PPP have succeeded at last in electing Se-leyn Saxbí as the Primary Parliamentarian and Mother of the Nation, and Outstanding Overseeress of Soil, Sea and Air in our Blessed Lands of Pretany the Great. We know very many extremely able women from literature and legend, but what an incredible female is Saxbí, who shall, like the very first woman, be a secret weapon to turn our nation upside-down. One paltry pace for female-kind, say I, but one vast vault for this remarkable gal who’s almost unbelievable regarding her convictions, her intentions, and her ambitions. And, Oh, by the Seven Slippery Serpents of Serendipity, how I do go crazy for ladies of all kinds – my only tiny little failing, you know! (I wonder how long it will be before this human time-bomb explodes!).

 

“Her Excellency will be taking the reins in a couple of months (or three, or six, maybe – within a year, for sure), with the aid of her most faithful deputy Ow-dheyuh Yw-áuh (one can live in hope regarding that, at least), and an army of indispensable assistants, beloved minions, silver-tongued hangers-on, and unelected advisers. Now that she’s climbed to the top of the slippery pole (how, I’ll never know!), and snatched the poisoned chalice from my unwilling hands, I pray (as well as anyone in his right mind can do) that no-one will dethrone her; hang draw and quarter her; and then behead her, as did my countless enemies to me (not to mention my supposed best friends).

 

“But the suffering has made me stronger than ever, and my heart and my voice have remained passionate especially in these worst of times. Luki Kuinte Krespe, the famer-general of Old Umbria shall I be now, hammering my sword into a ploughshare. But before I am forced to retire, withdraw from the hurly-burly in the tunnels and towers of Government House, fall silent, and keep my own counsel (for a while at least), I have employed the preternatural strength inside me to set a powder-keg beneath the corrupt political system that betrayed me. Let me explain!

 

“After the recent death of the Mute Yarless of beloved memory – may the Insubstantial Essence delete her supernal shadow in no time and release her from the torture of existence – the Star Chamber under the superb stewardship of the Honourable John Grossmann has legislated to abolish the functions of the Yarlen and exile them from the land of Pretany the Great once and for all. Today, to my great pleasure, I shall be leading the ceremony when the High Seat is melted down, signifying the passing of a very dark and much too long period in the history of our proud land. And at the peak of the rite, I shall declare and publish the beginning of a new golden age, with the establishment of senior ceremonial offices suitable for our modern, forward-looking society, namely Kyning and Kwén.

 

“The Scholastic Soothsayers in the Sanctuary of Stupefying Serenity have cast lots, taken auspices, and consulted omens in order to find the best individuals to assume these exalted roles for the very first time, namely Anointed Defenders of the One True Faith. And they have truly succeeded. So, after the Presidential Election, there will be the coronation of the Monarchs Kalkevork the Canny (who is descended from an excellent line of Princelings in the hugely tightly-knit Principalities of Eldnevrow, Góvughrkh, Hey-tíyn, Hódhá, Tyurinke, Vásneverk, Windelóra, and Zazkne in the Nether-regions of the North-West), and Kolúosmē the Concubine (who comes from an old family of landed gentry full of majors, merchants, and pillars of the community, in Fáttháwm, south-east Ilknuld). And here, human foibles have supported the arms of the Fates, as the two have been conducting a red-hot liaison, despite prior spiritual and legal commitments to other parties. (It’s another a sign of my first-rate insight and my social and political nous that I alone saw this, and was able to fan the flames, pull the strings, massage the facts, steer the path forward, get rid of every obstacle, and accomplish the impossible.)

 

“Fall on your knees, therefore, before the High-Lords of the Green Zone of Eyrw, the Regents of the Red Zone of Kimbria, the Liberators of the Pink Zone of Ilknuld, and Peace-Bringers to the Blue Zone of Skalba! That’s correct, you have heard aright, friends and enemies alike: the Glorious Revolution has begun, and it is I who in the vanguard! Furthermore, there will be need of a humble servant (called the Lord President of the Paramount Consistory Tribunal, Scribe, Voice, and Hand of the Power Insuperable) to aid and assist the Embodiment of our Nationhood, and only those who are former senior members of the Government – namely elder statesmen such as ex-Chief-Ministers – that is, me alone – can stand (and vote) in the election.

 

“And now, I have a most disagreeable duty to perform. It causes great distress that I must turn to the Venerable Institutes of Higher Education. The Licensed Academies of Grantashoals Poly-varsity I mean, needless to say, since it is not worth talking about the risible Associations of Kinespan Unitechnic College. But then again, maybe it’s much better being honest but unknown than heinous and infamous (unless you’re a politician). Never mind about that, I did not want to do what I did. But, following all the scandals, and before I slink away to oblivion, I felt that I needed to clean out the stables in this former place that has got more and more disgusting as the centuries pass by. I am referring of course to the College of the Celebrated Trouncing of the Illegitimate and Trivial Triunity, and its residential facility, the Hall of the Tormented Transgressors next door.

 

“Truly, it makes me quake uncontrollably whilst I imagine the cheating, the use of illegal substances, and the sexual impropriety going on there in sight of the world and his wife, amongst the Preceptors, the Protonotaries, and the Disciples alike. Especially because such an ancient, privileged place should be a Centre of Holy Learning, not some terrible combination of an ale-house, a whore-house, a den of iniquity, and a vipers’ nest. And all that facilitated by the demonic Head-porter (and his legions of louts) who’ve been hard at it themselves, boozing, womanizing, and falling down sozzled, in between aiding and abetting the delinquents in their vile misdemeanours.

 

“On top of that, there’s the corruption, the blasphemy, and the treason going on under the auspices of the scarcely-mentionable Most Prudent arch-Dean and her mob of Dominī and Magistrī (that’s what happens when you leave an otherworldly divine in charge of behaviour and discipline, not to mention finance). And as we all know to our horror, this pernicious putrefaction had even spread to infect and poison the Didactical Houses of our beloved Taviston, turning purity to lust, truths to lies, altruism to selfishness, virtue to vice, and honour to villainy.

 

“Well, I set a choice before the scarlet academicians and their terrible serving-folk. Either be wiped out in cauldrons overflowing with molten lead in full public view, or repent, accept their punishment, and promise to live a pure life from now on. It’s no surprise that they embraced the latter option, very sensibly, the craven cowards! But there was another condition as well. To aid them all in walking the narrow path, the Authorities agreed that I myself would be invited to take the brand-new office of ho-Arkhiprútanis (or Foremost Rector) with immediate effect.

 

“And of course, I accepted the most gracious offer after considering for but a minute or two. (I’d swear they believe, or hope, I’ll leave the bulk of my worldly goods and chattels to them to them in my will, as well as the dosh and the shares in the ‘extraordinary concerns’ in the infernal Southern Continent, the stupid sages!). So, although I shan’t be politicking for a whole, I shall be working very hard, what with keeping an eagle eye on everything, meditating, writing, debating, attending committees, advising, disciplining, and feasting. To complete the chastisement, the new name I’ve bestowed on the irksome institution henceforth shall be ‘The Academy of the War-Glory of the Stocky Cunning Snow-Leopard’ to both their great honour, and mine.

 

“And now, having reached the end of this winding journey at least, wandering along the highways and byways, I desire to cast off the mask and speak from the heart, like an actor after facing the final curtain. Sometimes I’ve carefully mapped out a path beforehand, sometimes I’ve pirouetted like an enormous clumsy ballet dancer, and sometimes I’ve behaved like a bulldozer. But I am sure about this one thing. I’ve lived a full life up to now, giving everything a man can give (and more!). I regret nothing, I have not a single doubt about that.

 

“I have always done what’s needed, and have never run away, nor tried to escape, nor given in, nor submitted. Even when I’ve infrequently been forced by circumstances to bite off more than a normal man could chew, I’ve without exception stuck with it and devoured the gristly bits, and never spat a single festering chunk out. I’ve taken responsibility, faced every challenge, stood my ground with my head held high, been a wizard with words who speaks without fear or favour, survived the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and avoided kneeling before anyone. I’ve been able to appear as if I was overflowing with emotion whenever it was necessary. And so, due to my endless charisma, I have got my own way every single time. But now I’ll have to work my fingers to the bone running the company ‘Blasted Bonce Ventures’ which will represent me from here on, struggling to cope on the puny and insufficient pension rather than concentrating on steering Pretany the Great to glory and saving the Planet. Oh, how the mighty are fallen!

 

“Thanks to you, then, gentlefolk and plebs. Thanks to Akólouthos the dog, divinity of inveterate liars, who would piss everywhere on every opportunity in the Gorgeous Dwelling, the old stinky mongrel. Thanks to Laurentius the cat, patron saint of fat-felines, who would always try to scratch out your eyes in your sleep, purring so contentedly. And thanks to Serenithi Heherohu, king of the rats, who carried the deadliest disease ever in the history of existence that’s sweeping across the World today, and is also guardian devo of the scum who sank the ship of state and escaped safe and sound, leaving poor old me to drown (to give the Devil his due, and all that). Thanks to you all, therefore, the faithful few. Thank you. Don’t forget that it is I who have worked ceaselessly – almost killing myself, speaking plainly – to establish and maintain laws and govern the fate of our nation and maintain the foundations of our society. And that it is I who have succeeded, all on my lonesome.

 

“And, no, as I have said many times, I am not the servant of some debased divinity, some false star-wanderer from the dark and abominable heaths in the Heart of the Continent. I have had no help from any such entity (nor from anyone, to be perfectly honest, as I am at all times): I have fought, and won, and suffered completely alone. All I have done – all the self-flagellation, the self-sacrifice, and the self-abnegation – I have done with the purest of intentions, with the best motives, and after the most intense meditation – for the benefit of our Soil, our People, and our Future – for Unity, Purity, and Discipline. And now, I have been cast down, despised, and trampled upon. But in the name of the Unspeakable One, I shall return like a dulcet turquoise phoenix, a graceful all-conquering unicorn, a benevolent loquacious leprechaun, or a wise incisive griffin. So, until we meet again, some sunny day in the future – I say to you, from the bottom of my broken heart, ‘may you fare well’.”

 

 

“Pa mor debyg i ddyddiau mis yw penodau’n hoedlau? … Dim ond cysgodion ein gweithrediadau barddol ydy’r meddyliau wedi’u mynegi trwy gyfrwng rhyddiaith … Ond er llenyddiaeth oll y Ddau Fyd, byw bywyd yn ddewr a heb ofn yw’r peth pwysicaf.”

– o ‘Barddoni a Byw’ gan Yr Athrawes Jelena Pekar.

 

“Cyfrinachau dirwedd a ddatgelir trwy chwarae.”

– o ‘Wedi Synnu gan Wirionedd’ gan Oblātuscaelīs Hunveraht.

 

 

Cyn dechrau ar y trywydd troellog hwn, mae arnaf angen dweud bod pob gair yn yr adrodd hwn yn dod yn syth o geg y claf ei hun, y glaslanc gofidus a oedd yn defnyddio’r enw Daud Pekar pan gyrhaeddodd y Clinig, ond a ddewisodd fabwysiadu’r enw amgen David Baxter o hynny ymlaen. Ond wedi dweud hynny, efallai mai gwell fyddai dweud mai’n ‘preswyliwr blaenaf’ ydoedd, ynteu’r ‘prif gymeriad’ yn y ddrama hon. Ar wahân i’w eiriau ei hun, nid oes fodd arall o wybod beth oedd cefndir y digwyddiadau a adroddir yma, gan fod y cymeriadau eraill un ai’n gwrthod, ynteu fethu, tystio [*].

 

Cafodd, felly, y cymeriad o’r enw Daud, ei eni a’i fagu yn yr Hen Deyrnas Ddwyreiniol, sydd wedi datblygu i fod y Wladwriaeth Ddwyreiniol Annibynnol bellach. Roedd Ivan, Tad Daud, yn ddeliwr cyffuriau adloniadol trwy’r cyfandir; a dyn treisgar, byrbwyll, heb asgwrn graslon yn perthyn iddo ydoedd yn wir. Pan na fyddai’n cludo’r sylweddau na’u gwerthu, fe lyncai feintiau anferth ohonynt. Pa beth bynnag oedd ei gymelliadau, lluniodd gyfundrefn gymhleth o ddefodau, wedi’u seilio ar goelion a ddaeth o hyd iddynt yn Hen Lyfrau Llên o bedwar ban byd, y byddai’n eu dwyn, a’u gwerthu ar y farchnad ddu. Saith oed oedd amser colynnol i Daud, pan ddaeth yr Annwyl Arweinydd i rym yn yr Hen Deyrnas Ddwyreiniol. Gyda rhyfel ar y gorwel, aeth Ivan i gredu mai aberth dynol fyddai modd i ddod yn anfarwol. Ond gan ei fod mor ffwndrus wrth berfformio’r seremoni briodol, fe drosglwyddodd ei fywydau hudol i gyd i’w fab.

 

Daeth Ivan yn hurfilwr yng Nghalon y Cyfandir pan gychwynnodd y rhyfel yno, ac fe’i hadwaenid fel ‘Jak Mali Vrag’ (‘Ellyllyn Cryf’). Gorfodwyd y Daud ifanc, ar achlysuron, i fod yn dyst i erchyllterau gan ei Dad, pan rwymid plant o deuluoedd oedd yn dilyn dysgeidiaeth y Broffwydes mewn sachau (neu’n aml, mewn gorchuddion cwilt), cyn cael eu colbio neu’u gwanu gan aelodau’r Eglwys Fyd-Eang a’r Eglwys Annibynnol ill ddau. Ar adegau, yr oedd rhaid i’r bachgen gael gwared â’r offer gwaedlyd, a, gwael dweud, hyd yn oed y celanedd. Trwy weddill ei oes fer, dioddefai Daud gan hunllefau gwael o ganlyniad i’r digwyddiadau hyn. Gadewch inni beidio ag anghofio, ar y llaw arall, wrth reswm, mai Dilynwyr y Broffwydes a gyflwynai erchyllterau hefyd yn eu tro. Byddent yn rhoddi plant aelodau’r Eglwys yn gwisgo gŵn nosys hen-ffasiwn nes iddynt ymddangos fel penydwyr, mewn magnel, a’u taflu nhw trwy’r awyr i’w tranc.

 

Gwelai Daud fai arno’i hun am farwolaeth ei Fam (a oedd yn gweithio fel nyrs), wedi dechrau’r rhyfel yn yr Hen Deyrnas Ddwyreiniol. Yr oedd problemau difrifol wedi digwydd pan y’i ganwyd, ac yr oedd ei Fam yn sâl iawn byth oddi ar hynny. Fe gredai Daud fod rhyw Dduwdod wedi troi ei gefn arno (nid ydym wedi gallu canfod hyd yn hyn pa un yr oedd yn sôn amdano ar y pryd). Felly y datblygodd gasineb tuag at grefydd, er iddo ofni eto bechod a dialedd, a pharhau i wlychu’r gwely; o’r herwydd fe’i cosbwyd yn ddiarbed gan ei Dad. Er popeth oedd wedi digwydd, maentumiodd y mab ei fod yn parchu’r Tad, wrth ei gasáu’n gydamserol, gan mai ‘rhyfelwr dros ryddid’ ydoedd, a oedd yn ceisio gwella’r Ddaear (ynteu’r rhan ohoni yng nghyfyl Calon y Cyfandir o leiaf) trwy gymorth grymoedd arallfydol. Ac yn ôl yr hanes, dysgodd Daud gryn gyfrinachau trwy wylio’i Dad.

 

Ar ôl tranc ei Fam, gwarchodasid Daud gan ei chwaer, Jelena – a'i henw, wrth gwrs, yn golygu ‘pinwydden fenyw’ (neu ‘ewig’) yn eu mamiaith. Ni fuasai neb o’i gwmpas yn dweud mai ‘hollol normal’ oedd ef; a chyffesu’r gwirionedd, byddent wedi dweud ei fod yn ‘dipyn o 'deryn,’ a rhy amlwg imi (hyd yn oed heb fy ngwybodaeth arbenigol, helaeth) oedd bod ganddo broblemau cymdeithasol o ryw fath. Ac yna – trychineb yn dilyn yn dynn ar sodlau anhap – derbyniodd ef yn sgil yr arswydau oll, gynghori dwys gan ei ewythr, mynach cycyllog dirmygadwy yn y sect ffiaidd o'r enw Cynulliad Allfwrwyr Sarrug Trahaus, a geisiai ei gam-drin yn rhywiol.

 

Oherwydd ei hanes, diarddelodd Daud drais, a daeth yn ‘filwr o heddychwr’ pan oedd tua 13 oed, yn hytrach na dilyn camre ei Dad, gan geisio achub bywydau bob adeg y gallai. Enillodd, yn ei farn, lawer o lwyddiannau trwy gymorth hud defodol wedi’i seilio ar ymarferion Ivan, a alwai ar i fodau rhyfedd ymrithio – endidau, fodd bynnag, a archai iawndal drudfawr yn y pen draw.

 

Y pryd hynny, roedd llanc dieithr o’r enw Stjepan Velikičovjek (‘Steffan Grossmann’), o’r Dywysogaeth Orllewinol Deyrngar, oedd yn aelod o’r Eglwys Fyd-Eang, yn byw mewn tlodi ger teulu Daud. Yr oedd arno eisiau ei ladd ei hun o ganlyniad i broblemau personol, mwy na thebyg, ac roedd yn cael ei fwlian yn enbyd hefyd gan Ivan a’r milwyr eraill. Yn ystod Brwydr y Llwyn Pinwydd, cipiodd Daud Stjepan o safn angau (sef ‘afon o dân’ o faint y darlledid amdano yn yr Hen Lyfr), ac aeth y ddau ymlaen i fod yn ffrindiau gorau, a chael llawer mwy o anturiaethau gyda’i gilydd.

 

Noswyl pen-blwydd Daud yn 17 oed, lladdwyd ei Dad, ar ôl i fagl ffŵl a oedd wedi’i gosod dan ei fan ffrwydro y tu allan i Dŵr y Tŷ Glas yn y Weriniaeth Ddeheuol Niwtral. Er i’r mab, a oedd yno ar y pryd dim ond oblegid taerineb y dyn hŷn, oroesi’r ffrwydrad, anafwyd ef yn ddifrifol. O hynny ymlaen, fe brofai weledigaethau afieithus o achos y feddyginiaeth boen a gymerai.

 

Yr oedd Daud wedi dod i’r casgliad mai Aberdydd, y dref honno dros y môr a sefydlasid gan y Llychlynwyr ganrifoedd yn ôl, oedd cartref i’w wir berthnasau. Yr oedd wedi darllen llawer iawn am ein hanes, diwylliant, iaith, arferiadau, ac yn y blaen, gan benderfynu y byddai’n lle eithriadol o ddiddorol i fyw ynddo (yn ogystal ag un a fyddai’n cyfoethogi’i greugarwch a dathlu’i sawl mympwy unigryw).

 

Dywedodd wrthyf fi yn ystod un o’n sesiynau hunanddatguddiad a oedd yn broffesiynol a chynnes ond yn ddwys a thra chynhyrchiol, iddo gael ei dynnu i Bretania i ddechrau ar ôl clywed recordiad anghyfreithlon o Ffarwél Frawdol Leskov, wedi’i ddarlledu gan rebeliaid dewrion (neu derfysgwr ysgeler) KKKK mae’n ymddangos [**]. (Yn gyfrinachol, rwy’n amau’n gryf mai fy mrawd cyfrwys Jack yr 'Hen Filiwr' oedd yn ymwneud â hyn oll rywsut neu’i gilydd). O, roedd Daud bob adeg mor rhyfeddol o gymhleth o achos ei natur oriog! Roedd ei jôcs yn drist a’i alarnadau’n ddifrif, ac ni wyddai dyn fyth beth i’w gredu wrth sgwrsio â fe, fel petai’r llanc yn un o Saith Sarff Slic Serendipedd.

 

Beth bynnag, daeth yr amddifad Daud i Gimbria’n ffoaduriaid, a chyrchu tuag Aberdydd dan y ffugenw ‘David Baxter,’ ddywedodd ef, wedi’i gymell gan ryw 'lais o’r tu draw' oedd yn od ond yn daer iawn (felly y’i disgrifiai fe). Jack unwaith eto a drefnodd hyn, am a wn i, dan gochl dirgelwch llwyr, mewn stori glogyn a chyllell yn cynnwys defodau hudol ac aberth dynol, petai dyn yn coelio disgrifiadau David. Oherwydd er nad oedd e’n Ddewin hyddysg, meistr ar dechnoleg felltigedig a thelathrebu, sbeisiwr o fri, ac arbenigwr mewn perswadio’n lladradaidd oedd Jack yn wir. Gweithiai’r rabsgaliwn ifanc ei ffordd fel gwas caban ar ford y llong bleser â phŵer ager yr “Wayldayduhl Isheth” yn perthyn i Gwlt y Drouggi llygredig, yn ôl pob sôn. Fe’i llongddrylliwyd ar y fordaith adref gan golofn dŵr a gododd ynghanol môr a oedd yn dawel fel arall, a bu farw’r criw i gyd. Nifer ffodus ac anffodus i’n harwr Daud (ynteu David), ydoedd 17, felly.

 

Serch hynny oll, athrylith o fachgen oedd ef. Cyn ymadael â’i gartref, ei brif bleser fyddai cuddio yn yr ystafell wely gan wrando ar raglennu ar y sain-drosdderbynydd gan ein Hasiantaeth Ddarlledu Annibynnol Genedlaethol i ddysgu’n heniaith, Esboniodd ei fod yn teimlo mai blas hynafol ond cyfoes sydd arni, a edy i siaradwyr rhugl afael mewn rhyw rym hudol a wnelo â goroesi tranc ac ailgyfodi’r meirwon – campau a ddigwydd yn aml yn yr hen chwedlau, ac yn ei hoff nofelau graffig hefyd.

 

Fel yr wyf eisoes wedi egluro, yr oedd Daud yn gwirioni ar bopeth ynghylch Aberdydd, gan lyncu gwybodaeth cyn cyrraedd, ac ar ôl. Dyna pam mae cymaint o gyfeiriadau at Neuadd y Delweddau (‘Neuadd Aberdydd’ o hyn ymlaen) yn y penawdau fydd yn dilyn. Honnai fod tŵr Neuadd Aberdydd yn ei atgoffa o eiddo’r Tŷ Glas o hen fri yn y Weriniaeth Ddeheuol Niwtral. Yn wir, wedi ymsefydlu yma, ni allai ei atal ei hun rhag ymweld â’r lle sanctaidd hwn (yn ei dyb o leiaf). Wrth gwrs yr oedd yn credu mai dim ond efelychiad gwan o’r un o iawn yw Neuadd y Murluniau yma yn y plasty, gan fynegi’i farn mewn iaith halier bob tro y deuai i gwrdd â fi. A pham mae hyn? Gan fod y lluniau ar furiau’r Neuadd yn y dref yn fwy tebyg i gartwnau mewn rhyw lyfr comics penodol, na’r eiddom ni!

 

Dyma sut y datblyga’r stori. Angenrheidiol cofio, fodd bynnag, mai dim ond brithgof o gyrbibion o’r gwir hanes yw’r nodiadau hyn i gyd. Nodwch, hefyd, os gwelwch chi’n dda, fod persbectif y naratif wedi newid bellach. Mwyach, gwelwn ni ddigwyddiadau’r gorffennol yng Nghalon y Cyfandir wedi’u traethu o safbwynt cymeriad o’r enw David Baxter sydd newydd gyrraedd y Clinig yma yn Aberdydd, ac yn edrych yn ôl dros olygfeydd o’i hen fywyd. Ac afraid dweud, fe fydd cydnabyddion newydd sbon David, sef Steffan, Helen, ac ati, a’u hanesion, eu gobeithion, eu gofidiau, a’u hawyddau, yr holl sefyllfa hynny yw, yn dylanwadu ar ei atgofion – ac ar sut y bydd yn ymddwyn – o hyn ymlaen — D.B.P.

 

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

 

[*] Does neb wedi llwyddo i ddarganfod manylion penodol ei fywyd am wn i, gwaetha'r modd, er yr holl ddyfaliadau (a'r celwyddau oll!). Dw i'n gallu cadarnhau iddo gyrraedd Aberdydd yn laslanc 17 oed, a gadael (ddylwn ni ddweud) ar diwedd yr hen ganrif (neu ddechrau'r mileniwm newydd) yn ddyn 21 oed mwy neu lai. — P.M.

 

[**] Rwy wedi gweithio fel Rwm bel-Shoní yn y chwedlau’n creu cyfoeth o ddim (yn gorlifo o chwerwder, malais, a chasineb) ar ei droell (neu’i “Arswyd-sgôp”) i gael hyd i drawsysgrifiad o’r arawd hon. Ro’n i’n ofni am amser hir y methu a wnawn i, nes i fi ddod ar draws copi yn sgriptoriwm tó-Historikón yn perthyn i’r Herodrau Histrionig, wrth chwilota am atebion i amryw o ddirgelion eraill. A dyma fe, air am air. Roedd y teitl hirwyntog wedi’i ysgrifennu’n blentynnaidd fel traed braen dros ben y dudalen brintiedig gyntaf mewn inc gwyrdd gan ddefnyddi’r hyn sy’n edrych fel ysgrifbin hynafol. Stampiwyd pob dalen â’r monogram “KKKK.”  (Mae a wnelo’r “Fawrwych Fonarchiaeth” ffasiwn newydd – ar y pryd – rywbeth â hyn, synnwn i ddim. Kyning a Kwén; Kalkevork a Kolúosmē, a’r holl hen ddwli ‘na.) Fe allwch ei ddehongli fel y dymunwch, a chroeso i chi (o’m rhan i, fyddwn i byth bythoedd yn fodlon mynegi barn am y cynnwys). — P.M.

 

“Araith Alltudio gan y Gwrthodedig Leskov Börslavr Pfpfelyuk jon-Stanlíy, Lladdwr Bwystfilod, Achubwr Lodesi mewn Loes, Dychrynwr Dihirod, Carreg Sylfaen Cymdeithas, Ffynhonnell Diwylliant, a Gwaredwr Gwledydd Gartre a Thramor, i’r llond llaw o gynffongwn, sebonwyr, ffalswyr, llyfwyr a chrafwyr yn gobeithio cael briwsion oddi ar fwrdd yr hen feistr y cyn Brif Weinidog a Thad y Genedl diweddar, wrth i’r tywysog swynol (neu’r dihiryn pantomeim) brofi pangfeydd angau gwleidyddol.”

 

“Wel, dyma ni, gyfeillion, a dyna fe! Pa gythraul naeth benderfynu byddai raid imi adael y byncer mwya moethus yn y Byd mor gynnar yn y bore, tybed? Am waradwydd cywilyddus fel popeth arall rownd fan ‘yn, a mi’n diodde gymaint ar ddwylo cnafon, cachgwn, a bradychwyr fel arfer! Gadewch imi esbonio wrthych am y tro olaf un pam mae’r sefyllfa ‘ma’n annheg ar y naw! A meddwl bod yr holl lanastr gwarthus wedi’i drefnu a’i gydlynu gan Undeb Gwleidyddol ac Economaidd y Cyfandir Gogleddol sy mor ymerodraethol a ffiaidd, gyda help a chefnogaeth fy nghynghreiriad agosaf ar un adeg, Cwmin Lygadlym, roeddwn i’n credu y gellid ymddiried ynddo bob amser. Wel, fe welwn ni am hynny! Wedi’r cwbl, mae’r ffŵl yn dilyn barn y cyhoedd a llefaru, tra gwrendy’r dyn doeth a dilyn ei farn ei hun, gan osgoi dweud popeth a ŵyr. ‘Balchder a arwain at ddinistr, ac uchder ysbryd a achosa gwymp,’ ebe’r Cardinal Fflamgoch, ac mae’r pomgranad braen rhodresgar yn llygaid ei lle yn ei farn am hynny o leia. Gorhyder cyfeiliornus, anwireddau nefol, a chyfrwyster creulon y creadur gwyrgam hwn sy wedi achosi i Bretania gwympo heb os, ac mae wedi fy llusgo fi gyda fe. Bid i Zrênthí Vêydjrow ei gipio fe!

 

“Wedi’r cyfan, myfi sy wedi, ar fy mhen fy hun a heb yr un gair o ddiolch, hebrwng cyfnod newydd i mewn wrth achosi newidiadau sydyn a seismig mewn blaenoriaethau a dull gweithredu o ran Llywodraeth Parthau Unedig Pretania Fawr. Rwy wedi dod â thosturi i’r rhai sy’n diodde, chyffuriau i’r clwyfedigion, gwybodaeth am gadw’n wresog i bobl yn rhewi, dygnwch i bobl ar ben eu tennyn, rheolaeth i’r afradlon, hamdden i’r rhai sy wedi’u gorlwytho â gwaith, tlotai i’r diymgeledd, rhyddhad i’r gorthrymedig, disgyblaeth i’r diogynnod, chosb i’r euog, arfau a buddugoliaeth i’r ymladdwyr dros ryddid, a gormes i’n gelynion ble bynnag y bônt.

 

“Myfi sy wedi deddfu ar gyfer adnewyddu cymunedau, trwyddedu ardaloedd dinesig wedi’u dadreoleiddio ac achredu porthladdoedd hunanreoleiddiol (“ bwrdeistrefi pydron” a “hafnau i fôr-ladron” yn ôl y rhai sy bob amser yn wylofain a rhincian dannedd). Myfi sy wedi hybu a chefnogi menter rydd a rhannu ffyniant rhwng y rhai’n ei haeddu, gwella sgiliau’r gweithlu a chodi safonau i lefel uwch ymhobman; a dod â busnes i’n dinasoedd, buddsoddiad i’r trefi, cyflogaeth i bawb ni waeth pa mor ddiraddiol ymddengys y swydd iddynt, elw ychwanegol i’r gwneuthurwyr arian, ac addewid gwell cyflog i’r tlodion, gobaith dyfodol disglair i bawb, a breuddwyd llewyrch a gwynfyd i’r holl wlad.

 

“Myfi sy wedi cynyddu’n aruthrol (hyd y bo hynny’n ymarferol o leia) wariant ar wasanaethau cyhoeddus; ar isadeiledd fel adeiladau, ffyrdd, palmantau, rheilffyrdd crog awtomatig, gwifrau sip â rocedi hybu, a sboncwyr pwmpiadwy i bob aelwyd; ar dechnoleg, tanwydd biolegol, miliynau o lafnau gwynt, y rhwydwaith cyfathrebu electronig rhyngwladol syfrdanol, a sgriniau teledol gwyrthiol i bob teulu. Ac yn awr mae llawer mwy o iachawyr ysbrydol yng nghartrefi ysgafnhad, o hyfforddwyr moesol i’r ifanc yn ein canolfannau disgyblaeth, ac o swyddogion, consgriptiaid, a gwirfoddolwyr brwd ym Milisia’r Bobl Wlatgar.

 

“Myfi sy wedi cyflwyno polisïau yn cynnwys langylchu ysbwriel i adeiladu ac ailwampio tai annedd; a chefnogi a hyrwyddo ail-ffosileiddio cylchol, croesffrwythloni adfywiol, echdynnu a manteisio ar gronfeydd tanwyddau amgylcheddol naturiol, ac ailddefnyddio creadigol celanedd. Rwy’n falch iawn o glywed bod niferoedd helaeth o’r llwythau mwyaf anghenus wedi dychwelyd at ddysgedigaeth yr Hen Lyfrau a dechrau gwerthu sawl un o’u plant di-rif fel llafurwyr ymrwymedig i’r teuluoedd nobl y mae arnynt ddirfawr angen o weision. Ac yn awr mae’n hollol bosib i’r rhai’n agos at newynu a rhewi droi gweddillion marwol eu nain a’u taid yn ffynonellau gwres a bwyd os nad oes gwahaniaeth ganddynt a â hanfod anfeidrol yr henuriaid yn syth i’r Pwll Diwaelod am dragwyddoldeb o ganlyniad.

 

“Rwy wedi gorchymyn i gael diddymu’r Cyngor Gwerinol gwrthun yn ogystal â theitlau cywilyddus ‘Arglwydd Dyrchafedig’ ac ‘Arglwyddes Anghymharol.’ Fe ddisodlir swyddogaethau pwysicaf hwn yn gan gorff urddasol newydd o’r enw’r Tribiwnlys Consistori Aruchaf y soniaf amdano fwy yn fuan. Fodd bynnag, bydd y Loteri Ogoneddus yn parhau, gyda phrisiau gwell o lawer: symiau mwy o arian parod, cyflenwad o fwyd a diod i’r teulu oll am flwyddyn, y cyfle i gael triniaeth iechyd gan yr iachawyr ysbrydol gorau, a’r opsiwn i gael gwres canolog, dŵr rhedegog a thoiled mewnol hed yn oed yn y cwt gwaethaf. Fe fydd pob enillydd yn gorfod mynychu (yn rhad ac am ddim) y cyrsiau newydd sbon ac eithriadol o werthfawr mewn disgyblaeth bersonol, egwyddorion gwasanaeth cyhoeddus, dianc rhag camddefnyddio cyffuriau meddwol, hunandriniaeth effeithiol i heintiau marwol, cywirdeb a chysondeb hanfodol o ran arian, coginio gyda dim byd ond hen fara â dŵr, ymatal rhywiol a chynllunio teulu, gweithio fel lladd nadredd cyn cysgu fel twrch: cydbwyso poen a phleser, edrych ar yr ochr olau oherwydd gallai pethau fod yn llawer gwaeth, ac adeiladu gyda’n gilydd ddyfodol gwell i bob aelod o’n cymdeithas gynhwysol ni.

 

“Myfi sy wedi goruchwylio canu clod y rhai’n ei haeddu, eu dyrchafu, a threfnu partïon arbennig iddynt; a dinistrio’r rhai sy wedi dymuno atal cynnydd ein gwlad falch cyn dathlu’u cwymp. Myfi sy wedi gwau newid a sadrwydd, diogelwch ac agoredrwydd, wrth gyflawni fy nyletswyddau sanctaidd, gan ddefnyddio cyffyrddiad ysgafn yn ôl y galw ond gweithredu’n bendant ble bo angen. Rwy wedi gweithio’n ôl fy ngoleuni, a chadw pob un o’m haddewidion (yn fy nhyb i fy hunan, ac ystyried popeth), a gwireddu pethau na chawsent sylw priodol o blaen yn eglur ac yn awdurdodol, fel yr â Pretania Fawr yn ei blaen i ddominyddu’r Byd eto, heb fod dan sawdl grymoedd gwrthun y Cyfandir, a dan nawdd y Pŵer Cosmig sydd un, cyfan, a chyflawn. At hyn rwy wedi cynyddu niferoedd ein diplomyddion cudd, ein llysgenhadon meddyliaethol, ein clepgwn anffurfiol, ein grymoedd gwrth-heresi, a’n ficeriaid arfog â’u hepaod lledryw treisiol, er mwyn rheoleiddio’r boblogaeth, lleihau torcyfraith ac ymddygiad anfoesol a gwrthgymdeithasol, chwynnu rebeliaid, a gorfodi ufudd-dod, bodlonrwydd, a heddwch.

 

“Roeddwn i’n credu’n wirioneddol taw diolch i’m llwyddiannau fyrdd, fy meddwl digymar, fy nghymeriad anataliadwy, fy noniau dirifedi, fy lwynau andros o ffrwythlon, a’m cyflawniadau digamsyniol, y byddai hon yn swydd am oes, ond mor gwbl anghywir oeddwn i. Nid swydd o waith o unrhyw ddisgrifiad fuodd hon, dw i wedi darganfod er mawr siom imi, ond rhyw fath ar ras gyfnewid dra chreulon, ble mae cyfeillion calon dyn yn newid y rheolau hanner ffordd trwodd. Ac wedyn bydd raid iddo basio’r baton, ffagl, y wialen swyddogol, y deyrnwialen, y bach bugail ymlaen, gan golli’i gyflog, ei statws, ei gysylltiadau, ei ddylanwad, a’i bŵer, cyn cael ei daflu allan o’i gartref mor sydyn nes iddi deimlo fel petai’n colli’i fywyd bron.

 

“A dyna pam rwy wedi fy mrifo mor ofnadwy gan y ffaith bod fy nghymheiriaid yn rhengoedd uchaf y Blaid Baternalistig Biws (i’r Pwll Diwaelod â nhw!) wedi cudd-ymosod anaf wrth imi gysgu ar ôl parti pen-blwydd mawr (fel petai). Fe ddaeth Pennaeth Swyddfa Cynrychiolydd Arbennig Llefarydd Cyffredinol dros Faterion Amrywiol â’r cacennau, yr hetiau, y ddiod sbesial, y dawnswragedd, a’r Saith Clerwr i’r byncer rhyfel dan y Breswylfa Harddwych. Nage fi oedd ar fai felly i’r holl gamocs ‘ma ddigwydd ar anterth yr argyfwng mwya o ran iechyd cyhoeddus yn hanes Pretania Fawr. Ac wedyn naeth Cyfarwyddwr Llysgenadaethau mewn Gwledydd Estron glymu fy nwylo y tu ôl i’m cefn a chicio’r ysgol oddi tan fy nhraed (mewn ffordd drosiadol o siarad, rwy’n olygu).

 

“Rheolwr Cyllid Cenedlaethol ac Arglwydd y Sêl Sanctaidd a gyhoeddodd y cyhuddiadau. Fe naeth e enwi: “ysbeilio pwrs y wlad,” “afreoleidd-dra gweithdrefnol enbyd,” “peryglu diogelwch gwladol yn ddi-hid,” “caniatáu rhyddhau clefyd heintus marwol,” “llofruddiaeth dorfol ar raddfa aruthrol,” “camarfer amlwg grym,” “esgeuluster difrifol hyd at wallgofrwydd mewn swydd gyhoeddus,” “twyll bwriadol ynghylch ystyr a gwirionedd geiriau a gweithredoedd,” a “troseddau, camweddau a diffygion amrywiol, yn rhy niferus i’w cyfrif” (ymhlith cruglwyth o bethau amherthnasol ac enllibus eraill). Ystumiadau’r gwir! Camddealltwriaeth wirfoddol! Anwiredd amlwg! Celwyddau noeth! Athrod anghyfreithlon!

 

“Fe naeth Arch Warchodwr Ymddygiad Cyhoeddus f’erlyn i, a’m dyfarnu’n euog. Dylech chi gofio yma’r hanes brawychus o Ilyria, y wlad fwyaf blinderus ‘na yng Nghanol y Cyfandir Gogleddol. Deirgwaith y ceisiodd Dhvâno ladd den-Dhêrah Faethfam, a deirgwaith naeth hi oroesi a dod yn ôl yn fyw. Deirgwaith y cafodd Dhvâno Faethfab ei gosbi a’i fychanu gan den-Dhêrah, a deirgwaith naeth e ymaros a thyfu mewn grym. Ond nage Dhvâno mo fi, na den-Dhêrah chwaith, gwaetha’r modd.

 

“Ac yn y pen draw, wedi ymlâdd a digalonni, bu raid i fi roi’r gorau i frwydro yn erbyn y gelynion mewnol mor ddiystyrllyd ‘ma. Yn olaf, naeth y Parchedicaf Ysgrifennydd i’r Cyngor fy niswyddo a chael gwared â mi, yn y ffordd fwyaf gwaradwyddus, gan dorri fy mhastwn swyddogol, sathru ar fathodyn aur anrhydedd, a rhwygo sash pedwar lliw Unol Diriogaethau Pretania Fawr. A hynny oll gerbron bob un o Gynrychiolwyr y Werin, yn cynnwys hyd yn oed y sawl ar fin marw, yng Nghyfarfod Llawn Tŷ’r Llywodraeth Ddiamheuol nas gwelsid ei fath erioed o’r blaen, nac mewn dyddiau i ddod, chwaith, siŵr o fod.

 

“Wel, fel y gwyddoch ond yn rhy dda, ar ôl blwyddyn boenus iawn heb lywodraeth (ar wahân i oruchwylio llym Llys y Sêr wrth reswm), wedi’i llenwi gan ymgyrchu, canfasio, hystyngau, addo’r Holl Fyd, gwthio dagrau i gefn ei gilydd, boddi mewn afonydd o ddagrau ac o waed, mae’r dyrniad o aelodau yng Nghynulliad Gweithredol Aruchel y BBB wedi llwyddo o’r diwedd i etholi Se-leyn Saxbí fel yr Uchaf Seneddwraig a Mam y Genedl, a Goruchwylwraig Gyntaf ar Dir, Môr ac Awyr yn ein Gwledydd Bendigedig Pretania Fawr. Rydym yn ‘nabod llawer iawn o ddynesau tra medrus o lên a chwedlau, ond am fenyw anhygoel ydy Saxbí, a fydd, fel y wraig gyntaf oll, yn arf cudd i droi’n genedl wyneb i waered! Un cam bach i fenywod, meddaf fi, ond un naid enfawr i’r ddynes nodedig hon sy bron yn anghredadwy o ran ei chredau, ei bwriadau, a’i huchelgeisiau. Ac, O, ‘nenw Saith Sarff Slic Serendipedd, cymaint dw i’n gwirioni ar wragedd o bob math – f’unig wendid bychan, gredwch chi! (Rwy’n meddwl tybed pa mor fuan y bydd cyn i’r bom amser dynol ‘ma frwydro!).

 

“Bydd Ei Hardderchowgrwydd yn cymryd yr awenau ymhen cwpl o fisoedd (neu dri, neu chwech, efallai – ymhen blwyddyn, yn bendant), gyda chymorth ei dirprwy mwya ffyddlon Ow-dheuh Yw-áuh (fe all dyn fyw mewn gobaith ynghylch hynny, o leia), a byddin o gynorthwywyr anhepgor, dilynwyr annwyl, cefnogwyr huawdl, a chynghorwyr anetholedig. Nawr iddi hithau ddringo i ben y polyn llithrig (sut, na wn i fyth!), a chipio’r cwpan gwenwynig o’m dwylo anfodlon, rwy’n gweddïo (cystal ag y gall dyn yn ei iawn bwyll ei neud) na fydd neb yn ei diorseddu hi; ei chrogi, diberfeddu a chwarteru hi; ac wedyn torri’i phen, fel naeth fy ngelynion di-rif imi (heb sôn am fy ffrindiau gorau tybiedig).

 

“Ond mae’r dioddefaint wedi fy ngwneud yn gryfach fyth, ac mae fy nghalon a’m llais wedi aros yn angerddol yn enwedig yn yr amseroedd gwaethaf hyn. Luki Kuinte Krespe, y ffermwr o gateyrn o Hen Wmbria fyddaf bellach, yn morthwylio fy nghleddyf yn aradr. Ond cyn imi orfod ymddeol, tynnu’n ôl o’r cyffro yn nhwneli a thyrau Tŷ’r Llywodraeth, distewi, a chadw’n fud (am sbel o leiaf), rwy wedi defnyddio’r nerth goruwchnaturiol sydd ynof fi i ddodi casgen bowdr dan y gyfundrefn wleidyddol lygredig a’m bradychodd. Gadewch imi esbonio!

 

“Wedi marwolaeth ddiweddar yr Yarles Fud o barchus goffadwriaeth – bid i’r Hanfod Ansylweddol ddifa’i chysgod annaearol cyn pen dim, a’i rhyddhau o artaith bodolaeth – mae Llys y Sêr dan arweinyddiaeth ragorol yr Uchel Swyddwr yr Anrhydeddus Siôn Grossmann wedi deddfu i ddiddymu swyddogaethau’r Yarliaid, a’u halltudio o wlad Pretany Fawr unwaith ac am byth. Heddiw, er fy mhleser enfawr, byddaf yn arwain y seremoni pan doddir y Sedd Uchel, gan arwyddo darfod cyfnod tywyll iawn a rhy hir o lawer yn hanes ein gwlad falch ni. Ac ar anterth y ddefod, byddaf yn datgan a chyhoeddi cychwyn oes euraidd newydd, gyda sefydlu swyddau seremonïol uwch yn addas i’n cymdeithas flaengar fodern, sef Kyning a Kwén.

 

“Mae’r Sywedyddion Sgolastig yn Seintwar Serenedd Syn wedi bwrw coelbren, ymofyn ag argoelion, a dewinio i gael hyd i’r unigolion goreuon ar gyfer y rolau dyrchafedig hyn am y tro cyntaf oll, sef Diffynwyr Eneiniog yr Un Ffydd Wir. Ac maent weld llwyddo’n wir. Felly, ar ôl yr Etholiad Arlywyddol, bydd coroni’r Monarciaid Kalkevork Gall (sy’n hanu o dras ardderchog Mân Dywysogion yn y Tywysogaethau tra chlòs Eldnevrow, Góvughrkh, Hey-tíyn, Hódhá, Tyurinke, Vásneverk, Windelóra, a Zazkne yn Rhanbarthau Isaf y Gogledd-orllewin), a Kolúosmē Gywelyes (sy’n dod o hen deulu o uchelwyr yn llawn uwch-gapteniaid, masnachwyr, a hoelion wyth y gymuned yn Newdre, de-ddwyrain Ilkendir). Ac yma, mae mympwyon dynol wedi cynnal breichiau’r Tynghedau, gan fod y ddau wedi bod yn caru mor angerddol ar y slei o dan drwyn pawb, er ymrwymiadau crefyddol a gyfreithiol eraill oedd yn bod eisoes. (Arwydd arall o’m sythwelediad penigamp a’m crebwyll cymdeithasol a gwleidyddol ydy taw fi’n unig a welodd hyn, a gallu rhoi glo ar y tân, tynnu’r llinynnau, ystwytho’r ffeithiau, llywio’r ffordd ymlaen, cael gwared ar bob rhwystr, a chyflawni’r amhosibl).

 

“Gostwngwch yn eich garrau felly, ac wylo, o flaen Uwch-arglwyddi Parth Gwyrdd Eirw, Rhaglywiaid Parth Coch Kimbria, Gwaredwyr Parth Pinc Ilkendir, a Heddychwyr Parth Glas y Skalba! Dyna gywir, rydych wedi clywed yn iawn, gyfeillion a gelynion yn ddiwahân: mae’r Chwyldro Gogoneddus wedi dechrau, a myfi ar flaen y gad! Ymhellach, fe fydd angen gwas gostyngedig (o’r enw Arglwydd Lywydd y Tribiwnlys Consistori Aruchaf, Ysgrifennydd, Llais a Llaw’r Pŵer Anoresgynnol) i gynorthwyo Ymgorfforiad ein Cenedligrwydd; a dim ond y rhai sydd yn hen uwch aelodau o’r Llywodraeth – sef gwladweinyddion hŷn megis cyn Brif Weinidogion – hynny yw, fi’n unig – all sefyll (a phleidleisio) yn yr etholiad.

 

“Ac yn awr, mae arna i ddyletswydd annifyr iawn i’w pherfformio. Mae’n peri cyfyngder mawr imi droi at Hybarch Sefydliadau Addysg Uwch. Athrofâu Trwyddedig Poly-ysgol Rhydrawnt rwy’n eu golygu, ni raid dweud, gan nad yw’n werth trafferthu sôn am Academïau Coleg Prifdechnig Pontychen chwerthinllyd. Ond eto i gyd, ddichon ei bod yn llawer gwell bod yn onest ond anhysbys nac anfad a drwg-enwog (oni bai taw gwleidydd ydych). Beth bynnag am hynny, do’n i ddim yn moyn neud yr hyn nes i. Ond, yn dilyn yr holl sgandalau, a chyn imi sleifio i ffwrdd i ebargofiant, ro’n i’n teimlo bod arnaf angen carthu’r stablau yn y lle cyntaf hwn sydd wedi mynd yn fwyfwy mochaidd wrth i’r canrifoedd fynd rhagddynt. Dw i’n cyfeirio wrth gwrs at Goleg Cystwyo Cofiadwy’r Triundod Annilys a Distadl, a’i gyfleuster preswyl, Neuadd y Pechaduriaid Profedigaethus drws nesa.

 

“Yn wir mae’n neud imi grynu’n afreolus wrth ddychmygu’r twyllo, defnyddio sylweddau anghyfreithlon, a’r anwedduster rhywiol yn digwydd yno yng ngolwg y byd a’r betws ymysg y Dysgodron, y Protonoteriaid, a’r Disgyblion fel ei gilydd. Yn enwedig oherwydd dylai’r fath le breintiedig hynafol fod yn Ganolfan Dysgedigaeth Lân, nage rhyw gyfuniad erchyll o ddioty, puteindy, ogof lladron, a lloches herwyr. A hynny oll wedi’i hwyluso gan y Pen-porthor dieflig (a’i lengoedd o labystiau) sy wedi bod wrthi eu hunain yn diota, mercheta, a chwympo’n swp yn feddw dwll rhwng helpu ac ategu’r tramgwyddwyr yn eu mistimanars ffiaidd.

 

“Ar ben hynny dyna’r llygredd, y cabledd, a’r brad yn mynd ymlaen dan nawdd y garn-Ddeon Deallusaf bondigrybwyll a’i chiwed o Dominī a Magistrī (dyna a ddigwydd o adael i ddiféin arallfydol o wirion fod yn gyfrifol am ymddygiad a disgyblaeth, heb sôn am gyllid). Ac fel y gwyddom i gyd er ein harswyd, roedd y pydredd andwyol wedi lledaenu i heintio a gwenwyno’r Tai Didactig yn ein Tredafwys annwyl ni, gan droi diweirdeb yn flys, gwirionedd yn gelwydd, allgaredd yn hunaniaeth, rhinwedd yn ddrygioni, ac anrhydedd yn anfadwaith.

 

“Wel, fe ddodais i ddewis o flaen yr academyddion ysgarlad a’u gweision ofnadwy: Naill ai cael eu dileu’n fyw mewn crochanau’n llawn o blwm tawdd yng ngŵydd pawb; neu edifarhau, derbyn eu cosb, ac addo byw bywyd pur o hyn ymlaen. Does syndod adrodd iddyn nhw gofleidio’r opsiwn olaf, yn synhwyrol iawn, y cachgwn llwfr! Ond yr oedd amod ychwanegol hefyd. Er mwyn eu cynorthwyo i gyd i rodio’r llwybr cul, cytunodd yr Awdurdodau mai myfi a wahoddid i gymryd swydd newydd sbon ho-Arkhiprútanis (neu’r Blaenaf Rheithor) ar unwaith.

 

“Ac wrth gwrs, derbyniais y cynnig tra graslon wedi ystyried am ddim ond rhyw funud neu ddwy. (Fe awn i ar fy llw eu bod yn credu, neu obeithio, y gadawaf y llawnder o bethau’r byd sydd gennyf iddynt yn f’ewyllys, yn ogystal â’r pres a’r cyfranddaliadau yn y ‘busnesau eithriadol’ yn y Cyfandir Deheuol cythreulig, y doethion twp!). Felly er na fyddaf yn gwleidydda am sbel, fe fyddaf yn gweithio’n galed iawn, rhwng y cadw llygaid barcut ar bopeth, y synfyfyrio, yr ysgrifennu, y dadlau, y pwyllgora, y cynghori, y disgyblu, a’r gwledda. I gwblhau’r gosb, yr enw newydd rwy wedi rhoi i’r sefydliad trafferthus o hyn ymlaen fydd ‘Academi Gogoniant Rhyfel Llewpard yr Eira Ystrywgar Byrdew’ er anrhydedd mawr iddo fe, ac i mi.

 

“Ac yn awr, wedi cyrraedd pen y daith droellog hon o leiaf, wrth grwydro gyda’r priffyrdd a’r mân ffyrdd, fe ddymunaf ddiosg y mwgwd a siarad o galon, fel actor ar ôl wynebu’r llen olaf. Weithiau dw i wedi mapio llwybr yn ofalus o flaen llaw, weithiau dw i wedi pirwetio fel dawnsiwr bale enfawr trwsgl, a weithiau dw i wedi bihafio fel tarw dur. Ond, rwy’n siŵr ynglŷn â’r un peth ‘ma. Dw i wedi byw bywyd llawn hyd yn hyn, gan roi popeth all dyn ei roi (a mwy!). Dw i ddim yn edifar am ddim, does gen i’r un amheuaeth am hynny.

 

“Dw i bob tro wedi neud yr hyn sydd ei angen, ac erioed wedi redeg i ffwrdd, na cheisio dianc, nac ildio, nac ymostwng. Hyd yn oed pan dw i wedi cael fy ngorfodi’n anaml gan amgylchiadau i gymryd dipyn bach yn ormod o frathiad i’r dyn cyffredin, dw i wedi dal ati’n ddieithriad i lyncu’r tameidiau madruddog, ac erioed wedi poeri’r un talp madreddog allan. Dw i wedi cymryd cyfrifoldeb, wynebu pob her, dal fy nhir â’m pen yn uchel, bod yn giamstar ar eiriau sy’n siarad heb flewyn ar ei dafod, goroesi saethau ac ergydion ffawd ysgeler, ac osgoi plygu glin o flaen neb. Dw i wedi gallu ymddangos fel petawn i’n gorlifo o emosiwn pryd bynnag y bu raid. Ac fel hyn, oherwydd fy ngharisma diderfyn, dw i wedi cael fy ffordd fy hunan byth a beunydd. Ond bellach bydd rhaid imi weithio fy mysedd yn bytiau wrth reoli’r cwmni ‘Mentrau Pen Pwdr’ fydd yn fy nghynrychioli oddi yma, dan straffaglu i ymdopi ar y pensiwn pitw ac annigonol yn hytrach na chanolbwyntio ar lywio Pretania Fawr at ogoniant ac achub y Blaned. O, pa fodd y cwympodd y cedyrn!

 

“Diolch ichi, felly, yn foneddigion a gwerinos. Diolch i Akólouthos y ci, duwdod celwyddgwn, fyddai’n pisio dros bob man ar bob cyfle ym Mhreswylfa Harddwych, yr hen frithgi drewllyd. Diolch i Laurentius y gath, nawddsant cathod tewion, fyddai wastad yn trio crafu llygaid dyn o’i ben yn ei gwsg, dan ganu crwth mor fodlon. A diolch i Serenithi Heherohu, brenin y llygod mawr, a gludai’r haint mwyaf marwol erioed yn hanes fodolaeth sy’n ysgubo dros y Byd heddiw, a hefyd yn devo gwarcheidiol i’r gwehilion a suddodd long gwladwriaeth a dianc yn iach eu croen, wrth fy ngadael innau druan i foddi (chwarae teg i'r Diafol, ac yn y blaen). Diolch i chi i gyd, felly, y gweddill ffyddlon. Diolch. Peidiwch chi ag anghofio mai myfi sy wedi llafurio’n ddi-baid – hyd at farwolaeth bron, a siarad yn blwmp ac yn blaen – i sefydlu a chynnal cyfreithiau a rheoli ffawd ein cenedl, a maentumio seiliau’n cymdeithas. A taw myfi ar fy mhen fy hunan bach sy wedi llwyddo.

 

“A nage, fel y dywedais sawl gwaith, nage gwas i ryw dduwdod amhûr mo fi, i ryw sêr-rodiwr o weunydd tywyll a melltigedig yng Nghalon y Cyfandir. Nid ydwyf wedi derbyn unrhyw gymorth gan unrhyw endid o’r fath (na chan neb, a bod yn berffaith onest fel yr wyf mewn amser ac allan o amser): rwy wedi brwydro, ac ennill, a dioddef, yn llwyr ar fy liwt fy hun. Popeth rwy wedi’i neud – yr holl hunan-fflangellu, yr holl hunanaberth, a’r holl hunanymadawiad – rwy wedi’i neud gyda’r bwriadau puraf, o achos y rhesymau gorau, ac wedi’r synfyfyrio dwysaf – er lles ein Pridd, ein Gwerin, a’n Dyfodol – dros Undeb, Purdeb, a Disgyblaeth. A bellach rwy wedi fy nymchwel, fy nirmygu, a’m sathru. Ond yn enw’r Un Anhraethadwy, fe fyddaf yn dychwelyd megis ffenics glasfaen melysber, uncorn hollorchfygol gosgeiddiog, coblyn siaradus hael, neu aderyn llwch gwin yn gall a miniog. Felly, tan inni gyfarfod eto, ryw ddydd heulog yn y dyfodol – rwy’n dweud wrthych, o waelod fy ‘nghalon doredig, ‘iach y boch a dibechod’.”